When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Best mom ever 😂
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.