When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.