When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”