Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.