When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello