Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.