When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
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HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Become ungovernable.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams