Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

*files a restraining order against reality*

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me