When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?