when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”