when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.