Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer