Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.