{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality