@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

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@ArfMeasures

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

@SortaBad

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

@Darlainky

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@sarabellab123

Me: Goodnight, sleep tight. I’ll miss you ‘til the morning.

8: You miss us when we’re sleeping?

Me: I do. Sometimes I even look at pictures of you after you’ve fallen asleep.

8: Well, that’s weird. Don’t you have anything better to do?

Me:

@Kristen_Arnett

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

@weinerdog4life

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

@mstern68

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

@fro_vo

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*