Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?