Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.