Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Passwords are more important than ever.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.