When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You Might Also Like
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
😂 amazing answer
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing