when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
All excellent questions
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
that lip filler tho
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?