when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
That’s not how days work.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.