when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
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mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?