when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Now colored!
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.