when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
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Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.