Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.