Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.