When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.