Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments