When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material