Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.