When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Social distancing in Australia:
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
☠️ ☠️
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.