@MartaEffing

When I’m with you, I’m breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you’re a treadmill and I’m asthmatic.

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@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@KirstyWebeck

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

@mzyvonne7

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

@iamdevinwagner

There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital

@KKAlThani

My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.

@pimecorp

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star