Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone