Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

I’m not proud

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

is nasa ok

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating