When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/