Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Same pineapple, same

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves