When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You Might Also Like
respect
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets