Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh