When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
much to think about
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set