When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it