When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

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I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.


No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school


Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.


What do we want?


When do we want them?



which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills


SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!


36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.