When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…