When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
You Might Also Like
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
ew if literal: let me be clear
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*