“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
