Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Printer ink is expensive

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

😆this is so true

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.