“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose