“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Support your local cemetery
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok