When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
United Steaks of America
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.