When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
You Might Also Like
i can’t wait that long
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”