Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Nice try Hitler

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.