Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Potatoes were such a good idea

Just a bush.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.