Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

My circle of trust is a meatball

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

A duv-egg? In this economy?

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.