It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
What a website
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Seek kebab; not attention
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!