when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.