Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

no their not

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.