When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Miscakes
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.