When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit