When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
🙅🏻
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.