When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My favorite female superhero
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls