When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
You Might Also Like
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’ve had worse
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Note to self: always read the final line
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
We avoided this particular disaster
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”