Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

handsome & gretel

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.