Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.