when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields