Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Why? Just why? 😂

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans