When it comes to believing in myself I’m agnostic
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear