Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.